I read an article recently that stated we are all just six acquaintances away from knowing every other person on the planet. Taking that logic one-step further I reasoned that because a large share of the people I know are my family, one could also conclude that we are only a few times more removed from being related to those people and that in some parts of the country that figure might be even smaller…(Great Balls of Fire-Jerry Lee Lewis)
I thought. Think of the ramifications of that. I could be a distant cousin of Neil Armstrong or John Glenn. (Which some might argue explains my tendency to space things out.) Maybe my family's DNA at some point even swam in the same lane of the gene pool, as say Madam Curie or Sigmund Freud…wouldn’t that be cool. I was feeling smarter by the minute. Following this logic a little further though, I also had to concede that it just as easily could have spent time in the shallow end with the likes of Jack the Ripper or Ted Bundy. Who I assume knew people that they did not kill.
While the thought of Sandra Bullock and I possibly being kissing cousins might put a damper on a few long-held fantasies involving chance meetings, infatuation, restraining orders, and ultimately pleas of, “For the love of god, just leave me alone! Because I deeply loved my wife who was, is, and always would be, much, much prettier, smarter, and generally wondrous, then she (Sandra) might ever hope to be. Hey, score points when you can boys. More importantly, though it got me thinking about how I, and perhaps others, treat our families differently than we do the general public.
When I was a young man and still an idealist, I had envisioned this inner circle of strait shooting, hard-working, enormously successful, relatives, and friends united in some perpetual single-minded bliss. However, as often is the case, life is more complicated than that. Having now spent the better part of the last few decades around my real-life flesh-and-blood family, I have learned that, that type of idealism might have been a little pie-in-the-sky. Because while your family’s particulars might be different, I now understand that, it is pretty safe to say, that most are in fact made up of many different characters. And that if you think that yours does not have a couple of shall we say, ‘Cousin Eddies” (From National Lampoons Vacation Series) or, “Steve Urkel's” (1990’s, ABC sitcom, Family Matters) in it, then you need to be very suspicious that it just might be you. (spoiler alert, I already know that I am my family’s.)
And you know what? I am good with that. No, I am better than good with it. I am delighted and proud of it. Because life has also taught me that not only is variety the spice of life, but it is this mishmash of spirits and characters, flaws and all, that makes my family different from yours, or any other for that matter. The human condition is a complicated beast after all. Very few are equipped to handle it on their own. Often times, what on its surface might seem lability, really ends up being an asset. Want to know how not to quit a job. Give Cousin Pete a call. Or how to successfully finish college. Aunt Trudy might be your girl. Want to know why it is never a good idea to mix Business with Pleasure, and why Prenuptial Agreements or even more specifically, the lack thereof, have real-world consequences. Grandpa Croft could probably write a book about it.
Say you need help moving (argh) or need some advice on how to change your car starter. I honestly doubt that there is a better mechanic in Southwestern Michigan than Cousin Ernie. At least he seems to think so, and coincidentally, he just happens to own two trucks. Need to borrow a few grand to start that florist shop, or hotdog stand…you had better head to the bank. Because the last time I heard Uncle Jerry had announced that he was “shuttering the scrapyard”. (i.e. he was getting out of the lending racket) My main point is this. For all the worts, or as my grandfather used to say “Hitches in our collective Giddy-ups”. There is not a group of human beings on the planet I look forward to spending time with more. Because in spite of it all we are bound together by our collective pasts, presents, and futures.
My wife and I unexpectedly suffered the loss of our eldest Son recently at the age of 32. In trying to put this almost crippling loss to our family in context for others, I found myself trying to explain to people who had never known him that from a metaphysical perspective he was a dichotomy. He was the worst of us and the best of us, at the same time. That while he fought very specific demons most of his adult life, he was also our happiest and most caring child. Who at his very core had the proverbial heart of gold? That he was and did love deeply…perhaps too deeply. A sentiment I later found more eloquently expressed in the following:
“I think the purest of souls, those with the most fragile of hearts, must be meant for a short life. They can't be tethered or held in your palm. Just like a sparrow, they light on your porch. Their song might be brief, but how greedy would we be to ask for more? No, you cannot keep a sparrow. You can only hope that as they fly away, they take a little bit of you with them.”― Emm Cole, The Short Life of Sparrows
Which brings me almost full circle to my closing point. My wife and I visited Hawaii recently, and of course, we did the “Touristy” thing and attended a Luau. Jermaine’s Luau, to be specific (our second one with this particular company) and one of the things that struck me was our charming host. Who kept referring to everyone as “cousin”, explaining that it was a custom among native Hawaiians.
Welcome cousins. We hope you enjoy yourself, cousin. Please feel free to mix with your cousins to the left and to your right. Please come see us again,‘cousin”.
While I understand that it was a show for tourists, this person still managed to pull it off (Three Mai Tai’s may have also played a small role.) You could feel his genuine friendliness though. He meant it. He wanted you to be happy, just like family. Imagine if we all felt that way towards people we had just met, and or might never see again. Taking it one step further what if like family, we could learn to look past minor and maybe even major flaws, to see the worth in everyone. Jesus of Nazareth once warned a crowd that someday they would be held accountable for how they had treated him.
Saying:“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’...“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.
So, the next time you meet a stranger be nice. Maybe even treat them as a brother or cousin. Because we never know how hard or even how long their journey might be, but at least we can pick our part in their song. And where the rubber meets the road, what we find most comforting when remembering our son are not his burdens, but rather his Love’s. His love for his mother and family, his love for his “cousins”, his love for his friends, and fellow travelers, on this third rock from the sun, and lastly, his love for Cousin Ernie. Which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my apartment lease is set to expire in three weeks…and I, still do not own a truck? (Hey Cousin Ern…maybe give me a call Brah.) But then again what do I know I’m just a smuck.
